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whoredinarygirl:

when my mom was pregnant with me my sister decided she didn’t want another sibling so one day she took my brother’s toy cars and lined them by my mom’s room’s doorway and tried making my mom fall on her stomach
my sister tried killing me in the womb

trillow:

[police officer] “sir are you in possession of any illegal drugs”

“sure thing son whatchu need”

wartortles:

*holding phone in hand* where the fuck is my phone

peetababy:

I SWEAR TO GOD THERE IS A GIRL IN MY CLASS WHO CAN READ MY THOUGHTS SHE’S ALWAYS LOOKING AT ME FUNNY WHEN IM THINKING INAPPROPRIATE THINGS SO I SAID IN MY HEAD “START LAUGHING IF YOU CAN HEAR ME” AND SHE STARTED LAUGHING IM SCARED?????

artkat:

despairnaegami:

personasanta:

does anybody else think tired and sleepy mean two totally different things

sleepy is cute and dozing off and happy but tired is 10 cups of coffee and murder

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if you’re reading this we’re now in a relationship love you babe

onestartotheleft:

As much as I would like to spill out everything I’m thinking to you.
I’ll hold back. Because I’ll regret it all later.

i wanna get drunk and kiss a lot and not think for a while